My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize