highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
