Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
