Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
