You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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