i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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