Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize