I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
