I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
