I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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