I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
