Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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