forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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