i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
