you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
