I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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