nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize