His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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