His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
