The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize