Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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