Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
