We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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