onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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