I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
