I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
