I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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