I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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