Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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