Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
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