Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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