Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
