goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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