Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
