Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
