oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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