i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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