She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize