Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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