wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
