Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
