On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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