Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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