biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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