obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
In other news, I just burned my penis
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
