I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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