I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
