I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i will never coherently bang her
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
