If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
