booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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