Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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