You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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