You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
