they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
