i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
