I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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