I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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